how much does a mortician urn in a year
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Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
found this cool rock hiking today
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene