Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
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Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Get in loser we’re going crying
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent