Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home