“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
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[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
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My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I think I’ll stand
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright