For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
my retirement plan is braless
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
so, is there a mister shapen head
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.