Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
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I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably