wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
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I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?