Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.