I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
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When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Not today.. 😂
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*