me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.