I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
i baked you a cake
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too