You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
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if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.