I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
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[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.