Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
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Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”