My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
how to market bottled water to dads
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.