An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
why isn’t thunder called soundning
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics