So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
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Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
There’s never enough good news
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?