Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God