The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
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WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
What personal space?
My dog
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.