My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
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I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.