Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
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Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Extremely relatable.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Nothing.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I was bored.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health