Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
You Might Also Like
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”