Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
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I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Dishonest mechanic?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.