It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
You Might Also Like
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.