My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
You Might Also Like
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
WTF
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
This did not end as expected.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.