Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
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Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no