Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
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Don’t make me out nice you.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Mission: Impossible
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.