[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
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Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
There are usually two types of merchants.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance