“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
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Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
It do be feeling this way.
I have never related to anyone more.
Finally! 😈
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
nobody’s gonna understand
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s