DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
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Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.