#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
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Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die