Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
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Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal