*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”