Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes