Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
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me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.