‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
You Might Also Like
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.