A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
You Might Also Like
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I wanna be friends with this person
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family