‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
You Might Also Like
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”