Catering service
You Might Also Like
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
#CatsOnTwitter
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks