JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
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Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO