Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers đ¶
Him: Mom whatâs a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know weâre lovers?
Stranger:đł
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INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: DudeâŠis everything okay at home?
I canât believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and Iâll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I donât need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
There is âTeaâ in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but itâs very inspirational.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you donât need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
If itâs the thought that matters, I had a shower today đ
Itâs a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea whatâs going on.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer wonât turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My Guy
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I guess writing âTo Whom It May Concernâ on the note of apology isnât the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
The world needs to chill out. Thereâs no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
white people love ordering something thatâs meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Jesus Christ, google youâre gonna get him killed
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.