Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
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toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.