I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
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I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
When I said I liked it rough.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“our sushi is very fresh”
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator