I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
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PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
lol
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*