People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
You Might Also Like
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
God, I love Scotland
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.