If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I WON A HAM TODAY
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*