Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
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Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”