Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”