What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
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As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.