I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now